I’m going to Italy! No I’m not. I just tell myself that every morning. What? It’s a good way to start my day. Now, you’re probably wondering why I don’t really go.

Well, it’s because there isn’t enough critical information provided to the tourist. Don’t the Italians want visitors? I mean they seem like friendly people, but when I read a brochure I only see what they want me to see. Their websites only tell you things like:

– What to see
– What to do
– Where to stay
– Money conversion
– Common signs for Stop! Danger! and Hospital. (Yawn)

But not the things you really NEED to know, such as..

– If I go there will Italian men really pinch my butt? (I don’t want to go there with unreal expectations.)

– If I pinch theirs will they be mad?

– How many calories are there in a liter of Gelato?

– Do deaf Italians use sign language? Why?

– If Buonanotte is goodnight and Buongiorno is good morning shouldn’t Goodbye be Buonederci instead of Arrivederci? (Do they know they got that wrong?)

– Do Italians trash their computers when the “A” “O” and “I” wear out?

– How much spaghetti can an American Tourist eat and still fit in her seat on the flight home?

– Are there other men walking around who look and sing like Gianluca, Ignazio and Piero?

if so.. 

– Where do I cash in my return ticket?

– If Italians kiss on both cheeks, when they get mad do they say “Kiss my__, Kiss my__!” ?

– What are the most recent laws on stalking in Abruzzo?

– Is there such a thing as obtaining a restraining order in Sicily?

Now, aren’t those things more important to know than the current monetary exchange rate? Until the Italian Tourism Bureau answers the real questions I’ll have to stay home.

Or… if you would all like to send me there to find these answers, I will go. You know I’m always willing to bite the bullet for my Crew!

Buonederci,
~Marie